A New Gait

In 2022, my son Nathan's miniature dachshund, Cammy, had major back surgery. Dachshunds are prone to Intervertebral Disc Disease (IVDD), which affects approximately 25% of the breed. One day, Cammy suddenly lost the use of her hind legs, and the vet gave her only a 50% chance of recovery.

Thankfully, Cammy regained about 80% use of her hind legs. She now has a noticeable wobble, but it doesn't seem to bother her. Despite the double blow of losing her best friend in July 2021, when my beloved son voluntarily ended his life, and then undergoing major surgery a year later, she walks and runs as if nothing happened and is as happy as ever.

After Nathan's death, I, too, developed a new "gait." Initially, my walk was unsteady, reflecting the deep pain that gripped me. Like Cammy, I felt as though I'd forgotten how to walk. Fueled by deep love and a desire to honor Nathan, I resolved to heal.

From the moment he made this ultimate decision, I committed to respecting it.

Influenced by the stigma surrounding suicide—the double-edged sword of intense grief and perceived judgment—my gait became more deliberate.

I channeled all my love into celebrating the wonderful person he was: a cherished son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend. Like Cammy, I began to walk differently, determined to embrace life by focusing on how fortunate I was to have him as my son.

My new gait is fueled by love for a beautiful soul.

Though it was the most challenging period of my life, I discovered a built-in resilience, allowing me to move forward and create a new world guided by faith. Through it all, I gained a broader perspective: that death is not the end, but, if we choose, a season of rebirth.

The book of Genesis tells the story of Jacob. Fleeing from his brother, Esau, in the darkness of night, he wrestles with a mighty angel whose face he couldn't see, and he prevails. Afterward, he walked with a limp, a mark of honor signifying that he had seen God face to face. It gave him the courage to confront his feared brother. He, too, had a new gait, signaling a new chapter in his life.

We all walk differently after life-changing events, especially after the loss of loved ones. It's up to us whether our gait reflects gratitude or devastation. The choice is ours.