A New Gait

In 2022, my miniature dachshund, Cammy, underwent major back surgery. Unfortunately, 25% of her breed is prone to Intervertebral Disc Disease (IVDD), and one day, her hind legs suddenly gave out. The vet estimated a 50% chance that she wouldn't walk normally again.

Thankfully, Cammy recovered and regained 80% use of her hind legs. She now has a slightly different gait, but she doesn't seem to notice, walking and running as if nothing happened. The only way you can tell is that she wobbles a bit when she's walking. Nevertheless, she's as happy as ever and couldn't care less that she walks differently than before.

I, too, developed a new "gait" due to my own major loss in July 2021, when my beloved son voluntarily departed this world. At first, my walk was unsteady, reflecting the deep pain that gripped my heart. Like Cammy, I felt as though I'd forgotten how to walk. Because of deep love and a desire to honor Nathan, I resolved to heal.

From the moment he made this ultimate decision, I committed to respecting it. My gait became more deliberate, influenced by the stigma surrounding suicide - a double-edged sword of intense grief and perceived judgment.

I was determined to support and respect his ultimate decision and mustered all my love into celebrating the wonderful person he was: a cherished son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend. I began to walk differently, determined, like Cammy, to embrace life by focusing on how fortunate I was to have had him as my son.

My new gait is fueled by love for a beautiful soul. Though it was the most challenging period of my life, I discovered a built-in resilience which allowed me to move forward and create a new world, guided by faith. 

Through it all, I gained a broader perspective: that death is not the end, but, if we choose, a season of rebirth.

I believe that we all have the capacity to find our new gait after the devastating loss of loved ones.